8 Ways to Get Rich in '06

Sunday January 1 2006

The following are a collection of ideas that could make you rich in ‘06.

1. Manufacture and distribute counterfeit Bill O’Reilly Factor Gear. – This really isn’t as tricky as you might think. All you need to get started is a good screen print shop to print some cheap (made in China) coffee mugs using a logo from O’Reilly’s website. Then work your way up to doormats and windbreakers which you can pick up for next to nothing at Big Lots.
   


2. Download Paris Hilton sex videos from the internet, burn them to DVD, and sell them on eBay. – A lot of people have already made a fortune with this idea, you can too. Be the first to capitalize on the next video that comes out. (hint: an attractive package will help you get more bids)
   


3. Retrofit automobiles to burn pulverized AOL CD’s. – With soaring oil prices alternate fuel sources will become a big business in 2006 and those worthless AOL CD’s are plentiful. (The aluminum boxes are recyclable too.)
   


4. Sell plans for AOL CD burning engine to Ford, GM and Chrysler. – The big three will be very interested in keeping this technology off the market so they will spare no expense to secure your patents.
   


5. Write a fictitious account of your struggle to overcome alcohol and substance abuse, send it to Oprah Winfrey claiming that every word is true. – This is a virtual goldmine but remember to make it extremely graphic and impossible to confirm.
   


6. File “In God We Trust” off of coins, and sell them on eBay for 2% Profit. – There is a huge market for this type of thing. This 2% will add up quick! Within a few weeks, you can probably set up an eBay store where you “launder” coin and currency for profit.
   


7. Buy “www.clinton-kerry2008.com” and sell it to the highest bidder. – This is always a winning strategy provided you can think of a domain that someone might want someday.
   


8. Buy penis enlargement pills at a bulk discount price from the internet, sell them on eBay. – I get hundreds of offers everyday in my email I am surprised no one has thought of this yet!

Copyright © 2006 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

The Patriot Act

Sunday December 25 2005

Do you ever feel like you are being followed?

I often do.

This past spring I began to sense that I was under surveillance. I kept seeing non descript men wearing black suits driving un-adorned black Fords. At the grocery, the laundry, and seemingly everywhere I went. It started immediately after the publication of my February 27th article entitled Reparations, and continued until March 10th when I was abducted in the middle of the night from my home at gunpoint. I was blindfolded and taken to an airport where I was bound and gagged, thrown into the cargo hold of an airplane, and flown to what I believe to be Camp Delta at Guantanamo Bay Cuba.

Over the past several months, I have been a tortured prisoner of the United States government. I was interrogated daily sometimes for as long as 18 or 20 hours. Interrogations were typically followed by what seemed like days in stress positions and beatings. I was exposed to extreme heat and cold and forced to sleep naked in a puddle of my own urine and feces for weeks on end.

I was fed only kosher foods (on the days that I was fed) and was given only 1 pint of water per week. There was a sadistic lesbian guard who would enter my cell in the middle of the night and forcibly (and repeatedly) sodomize me using a strap-on dildo made of wood (at least it felt like wood, I can’t be sure because she would put a bag over my head) Sometimes she would take me out of my cell down into the catacombs where she would photograph me and other detainees in what I now refer to as “gunpoint circle jerks”.

As if I were not humiliated enough, she flushed my personally autographed copy of Bill Clinton’s autobiography My Life, down the toilet in my cell.

Friends, this is the patriot act at work. These jackbooted brown shirts will not relent until every freedom guaranteed under the constitution has been eradicated.

At any rate I feel the need to thank some of my friends in congress and in the media for applying enough pressure to the Rumsfeld administration to effect my release. Thank you Senators Kennedy, Boxer, Kerry, and McCain; also let me thank Joe Wilson and the New York Times. Were it not for true American patriots such as yourselves, men like me with the fortitude to speak out against the tyranny and oppression would be locked into 3x2x5 foot cells somewhere in Iceland where we would wither away and die.

Be warned evil conservatives… Quaid Davis is back!

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Courage

Sunday March 13 2005

What does CBS need now more than ever?

Viewers!

With the exit of Dan Rather from the Evening news, CBS will be hard pressed to stay third in the ratings especially with the two other networks vying for the spot at the bottom. I doubt that Bob Schieffer will draw the loyal audience that Dan Rather did for 24 years.It takes a lot of courage to get into a pissing contest with a President or Vice President, or to arrogantly stand behind a story based on alleged forged documents.

That kind of courage was something Dan Rather never lacked. From his refusal to pay a New York City cab driver, to shooting up heroin in order to accurately report on the drug, Dan’s career as a newsman has been courageous indeed. I am not sure that his courage did much for his credibility but you could always count on Dan to bring you the story, whether it was true or not. That definitely takes courage.

It takes a lot of courage to end your newscast with the word courage for no apparent reason. I think Dan Rather epitomized courage in journalism. Some of his more courageous reporting included: The JFK Assassination, The Viet Nam War (in it’s entirety), The Democratic National Convention, where he was punched in the face by one of Mayor Daley’s bodyguards. His undercover work with the mujahideen during the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan should have won Gunga Dan a Peabody Award, not to mention the Hussein interviews.

It takes a lot of courage to walk off of the set for six minutes during a national news broadcast because of a tennis game.Dan’s reporting often reminded me of a tree surgeon climbing out on a limb and sawing it off behind him but he never failed to ride the falling limb to the ground. If that doesn’t take courage I don’t know what does.

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Why Terri Schiavo Must Die

Sunday March 6 2005

I remember coming home from school when I was 13 years old and finding that my mother had fallen down the cellar stairs and broken her neck. She must have laid there for several hours because by the time my little sister and I found her, her eyes were glossed over and she just stared off into space.

We didn’t have a phone as were very poor. My father had died in an unfortunate incident a few months before and my mother could barley make ends meet. Needless to say, there was not enough money in the cookie jar to call a doctor and my mom was too heavy to lift so I made her a bed at he bottom of the stairs. Each morning I would milk and feed the cows before getting me and my sister off to school. After school I would scrub floors or split logs for the rich folks up on the hill. Within a couple of weeks I had enough money to summon the doctor.

When the doctor arrived at our house he could not believe the condition my mother was in. He chastised me for not summoning him sooner. He said she needed ambulatory care or she would die. At very best she may never fully recover from her injuries. I explained that I had no money for ambulatory care and asked what I else I could do. He offered to pay for her care if my sister Daphne and I would come and keep his home.

The doctor moved my mom, my sister and I into his house. His wife had died a few years earlier and he had become very lonely. Our being in his home seemed to lift his spirits almost immediately. True to his word he arranged for the care of my mother. She had wires and tubes, bells and whistles, lights and buzzers all around her. There was a live in nurse who kept a check on her condition. True to our word my sister Daphne and I kept his house in order. We chopped his wood and scrubbed his floors and life was good.

After a couple of months we noticed that my mother was doing better. Where once her gaze was glossed over she now appeared to focus. She seemed to be able to respond sometimes if we’d wave our hands over her face. Sometimes she would follow us with her eyes. The doctor explained that she had recovered far beyond what he had hoped but she still may never fully recover.

She was well enough however, that the doctor discontinued the live in nurse and removed all of the machines that had been keeping her alive. All that remained was one tube and a small box on her night stand. I asked the doctor what the tube was for and he explained that since my mom could not eat like normal people, she received her food through the tube. Should that tube get pulled out she would die.

Even though she looked like a vegetable, she could respond to sounds, follow moving objects with her eyes, and she even seemed like she could smile from time to time. It was truly amazing how far she had come in such a short time.

About six months later I happened to wake in the middle of the night. I kept hearing a noise coming from her bedroom. Beneath the crack of my door I could see a sliver of light. Within the light, the faint movement of shadows. Then as abruptly as I had awakened the light was off and the noise stopped. This same series of events repeated it self each night for several weeks. The entire duration not more than five minutes. Ultimately my curiosity got the best of me so one night I waited by my door for the sliver of light.

When the light appeared I ever so silently turned my door knob and tiptoed into the hall. I carefully approached my mother’s bedroom door so not to be detected. I slowly turned the knob and managed to open the door a crack’s width without being detected. And what did I discover to be the source of the noise you ask.

As I slammed the door open I uttered my first profanities to an elder. “Damn you” I exclaimed. The doctor lay on top of my naked mother having his way with her. The doctor was as shocked to see me as I was to see him. “What are you doing?” I demanded. ”How dare you molest my mother you sick bastard!”

It was that very evening that I decided my mother’s feeding tube must be removed that it may prevent this evil perverted man from molesting her but I must stealthily remove it as not to alert the doctor of its elimination. The next day while the doctor was away I sabotaged the machine where the tube originated preventing it from delivering it’s life juice to my mother.

As I suspected the doctor never realized that I had disabled the machine and he continued to molest her until the tenth night when he found her dead. He never molested her after that.

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Reparations

Sunday February 27 2005

My birthday is on February 29. Needless to say it is very annoying only having a birthday every 4th year. With all the technology we have today couldn’t someone rework the calendar to eliminate the stupid leap year? Equally annoying is the Social Security Reform issue. Let’s take a moment to analyze the two.

Leap Year / Social Security Reform only becomes a topic of conversation every 4 years and no one does anything about either. Probably the best solution to both problems is elimination. What about the money that’s already been collected? Well what happens to the money that has been conned out of good people in a Ponzi Scheme? Sadly that money is gone forever. I opted out of Social security when I turned 16. I have socked money away into a private interest bearing account and will retire in style.

The government should, however, take whatever money is currently in Social Security, divide it equally amongst eligible recipients over the age of 65. Then they should liquidate the remaining assets i.e. computers office furniture etc… and close all the offices across the country. Those proceeds should be applied to a Leap Year Birthday Reparations Program whereby every living Leap Year Birthday Survivor would receive a check. Of course in order to be fair the check should adjusted for the age of the recipients. Let’s not forget that the government will have to subsidize this program in order to have enough money for each Leap Year Birthday Survivor to retire on comfortably.

Obviously I and others like me who have opted out of Social Security would not be eligible for Leap Year Reparations but there would surely be some loopholes that we could exploit.

On the surface this sounds like a very expensive program and it is but can we afford to do nothing? By 2018 the gap between assets and deficits will reverse, forcing the government to repay the money it has been skimming from the program since it's inception in 1935. By 2042 Social Security will be completely defunct. This is further complicated by the enormous number of Leap Year Babies born between now and then. Clearly something must be done, before it's too late.

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Valentine's Day - Debunked

Sunday February 20 2005

There are a host of legends describing the origin of Valentine’s Day dating back to ancient Rome. Though theses stories are interesting to read and appeal to our softer instincts they are totally untrue. In fact, Valentines Day was created accidentally by Abraham Lincoln in 1865.

Contrary to popular belief, Lincoln was not gay. In spite of the fact that he occasionally slept with men, he was as heterosexual as they come. There was a young intern, Veronica Valentine, who caught the President’s eye and she was smitten for him too. He pulled some strings and managed to get her assigned to the White House.

Valentine took every opportunity to meet with the President and he delighted in her company as well. Before long, the two were secretly meeting after hours in the oval office. Lincoln refused to have sexual relations with her despite her endless pleading. He was a devoted family man and would not be unfaithful to Mary Todd.

Miss Valentine would not relent in her pursuit of Lincoln. She sent him love letters and begged for his companionship. It is rumored that on no less than two occasions, he did allow her to gratify him but only after he grew weary of her endless beseeching. After one such occasion Lincoln, obviously swept up in the passion of the moment, reciprocated by gratifying Miss Valentine with a Cuban cigar which had been left in The Oval Office by President Franklin Pierce. The date: February 14, 1865.

There was a secretary who had worked with Miss Valentine at the War Department whose name is now lost to history. Valentine would confide in her about the secret trysts with the President. Unbeknownst to Veronica Valentine, the secretary was also smitten for President Lincoln but was a homely gal stricken with a horrible birthmark. Lincoln would pay her no mind.
When Valentine told the tale of an encounter that had spoiled her dress, the secretary became very jealous of the beautiful Valentine. She convinced Veronica to give her the dress that she might remove the stain but her intentions were not so admirable. The covetous secretary told the tale to the press and surrendered the spoiled dress as proof.

The press ruthlessly reported the story and soon Lincoln found himself mired in the scandal of his lifetime. At first he claimed no association with the young intern but the press was merciless. Finally, he came before the American people and admitted his indiscretions. He was shot and killed by John Wilkes Booth the next day. History may one day reveal the fact that Booth had been a suitor for the young Miss Valentine before she fell in love with the President.

Veronica Valentine disappeared into obscurity but her letters to President Lincoln were regarded as some of the most quixotic writings of the time. The Valentine letters were eventually released to the public in their entirety and February 14th became known as Valentine's Day.

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Why Talk Radio is Bad for America

Sunday February 13 2005

If you haven’t cruised the AM side of your radio dial lately, you may be surprised at what you haven’t heard. AM radio has been taken over by the ultra-conservative right and their pro-God, pro-war agenda. Worse yet, they are feeding it to our kids. More and more adolescents are being drawn into the mire that is Talk Radio. Where once was classic country music and wholesome hip-hop programming is now a cesspool of ideology driven infotainment.

Some of the characters are more harmful than others but be assured they are all bad. Very bad. These are the preachers of intolerance and hate who hide behind the guise of entertainment and news.

Amongst the worst of the worst is Premier Radio’s Glenn Beck. Each day Beck traffics in vile Republican propaganda and bigotry. He pokes fun at the disabled and intellectually challenged with segments of his show aptly named: Moron Trivia, The Corky Report and Jepretardy. He has even stooped so low as to mock Dr. Steven Hawking, one of the most brilliant minds of our time, and poor Alan Colmes’ wandering eye.

Another purveyor of narrow-minded abhorrence is Michael Savage. His shows bears a harder edge and a take it or leave it attitude. Savage, a doctor of botany (go figure), delivers his version of the “truth” with a vicious tongue often resorting to personal insults when confronted by real facts from real callers. Savage, whose real name is Weiner, refers to his forum as “The Savage Nation” Obviously his brand of hate would reach fewer ears if his show were named “The Weiner Nation."

Laura Ingraham is a former lawyer, supreme court clerk, and speech writer for Ronald Reagan. She hosts a daily hate radio show which mixes farting and burping noises with sound bites of democrats (out of context of course) edited to make them sound stupid. Don't worry too much if your kids are listening to Ingraham's show it is little more than Republican drivel with a whiney cheerleader at the mixing board.

Perhaps the real damage is done by the producers of these ideology driven programs. The shows are purposely aimed at a more impressionable demographic 12 to 20 years of age with the use of “youthful” sounding theme songs and bumpers (and the occasional fart and burp sound) all the while wrapping the hatred of progressive thought in an ironic flavor of comedy (if you want to call it comedy). Many parents don’t take the time to analyze what their children are listening to and if left unchecked, this brainwashing of young minds will ultimately be societies undoing.

Mark my words.

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

O’Reilly vs. Churchill

Sunday February 6 2005

Bill O’Reilly is at it again. This time he is going after a little known professor at the University of Colorado. Ward Churchill, Native American artist and author, tenured Professor of Ethical Studies. According to O’Reilly, Churchill claims that the 9/11 was a just retaliation for an American policy gone haywire.

Of course O’Reilly has a particular knack for taking statements of those he deems “secular progressives” out of context. For the past seven years he has used Fox News as his own personal bully pulpit to spread Republican propaganda. This particular situation is just one of many he has unleashed onto the Kool-Aid sipping conservatives that make up most of Fox’s audience.

Churchill is already coming under fire from the right wing ideologues on talk radio and in the blogosphere. Doesn’t O’Reilly realize that he is singularly responsible for the proliferation of Churchill’s ideas to the mainstream? Ultimately no good can come from his relentless badgering of this poor man on radio and TV.

Bill O’Reilly is well known for his arrogant selfishness and holier than thou attitude not to mention his bullheaded determinedness. You can be sure that with O’Reilly on the case Churchill will end-up being stoned to death in an alley somewhere. The best that the good professor can hope for is an invitation to live in France where they hate O’Reilly.

A self proclaimed traditionalist Bill O’Reilly seems to conveniently overlook the principles set forth in the Bill of Rights, namely the First Amendment. Ironically, O’Reilly comes unglued when his Freedom of Speech is infringed upon. He bloviates on about how Churchill is hurting America yet he is pithy where his sexual assault of women in his employ is concerned. O’Reilly is a hypocrite of the worst kind, with a huge audience of like-thinking hate mongers. Watch in the coming weeks as Ward Churchill is taken apart in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan.

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Iraq Election Debacle

Sunday January 30 2005

By the time of this posting we will most certainly be watching the massacre of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi citizens on Fox News. They will be gunned down as they follow Bush’s blind faith in their desire to establish democracy in their country. There will be a wave of homicide bombings to equal no other. We will witness the final defeat of the coalition of one which occupies the holy land of BabylonThe failure of democracy in Iraq will stand as an example to the other countries in the region; countries which are no doubt on Paul Wolfowitz’ hit list; Jordan, Syria, Lebanon, and Iran. They will view the failure of the Americans as a call to arms. Terror will rule in the Middle East for the next thousand years.

All the while France, Germany, and Russia will be vilified watching as the quagmire that is Iraq swallows George W. Bush and his cronies. The legacy of this administration will prove to be one of malfunction and miscalculation. Bush was warned. Even by top ranking members of his own cabinet that the Iraq diversion was a reckless one at best. Secretary of State Colin Powell said it most eloquently when he reminded Bush of the Pottery Barn rule: You break it you buy it.

Hopefully the failure of the Iraq elections will be the straw that breaks the camels back. With any luck the stubbornness and arrogance of this president will blow back on him, and those who have stood by him, with a vengeance of steel; crushing the Republican war machine once and for all.

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Inauguration Day

Sunday January 23 2005

I guess we have reached the point of no return. It looks like Karl Rove managed to get Ohio’s compromised election results to stick. The Reverend Dr. Michael Newdow’s attempt to have “so help me God” stricken from the Presidential Oath of Office has gone down in flames too.

Welcome to America of the 21st century. Where elections are stolen and the very people who cannot accept two loving men being joined in wedlock relentlessly shove God down our throats. It gets worse from here folks. Soon we will begin desecrating the wildlife reserves in Alaska, Creating national ID cards and deporting all foreign born workers and their families. Next will be “gay gene eradication therapy” for all pregnant women followed by a complete and total ban on abortions of any kind.

We might as well go ahead and set up group homes for the children of incest and rape because we certainly don’t want them walking amongst the rest of us. While were at it let’s build some death camps for Polocks and make all our women wear veils. As long as the Republicans are in power we run the risk of seeing these things happen.

As I watched the extravagant inaugural events unfold on my TV I pondered what might be worse than four more years with Bush at the wheel. Though many scenarios crossed my mind I have narrowed it down to the worst three:

1. Bush gets assassinated and Cheney becomes President. – Ouch. This guy is a real lowlife. He has made millions of dollars on the war in Iraq in spite of what factcheck.com says about it. What kind of scumbag would drag his lesbian daughter into the campaign just to cinch the gay vote? Cheney would probably outsource the Defense Department, and Homeland Security in the form of a no-bid contracts to Halliburton.

2. Bush and Cheney get assassinated. Colin Powell becomes President. – Scenario #1 looks pretty good from this perspective. Affirmative action would be forced upon every corporation in the country and Martha Stewart will never see the light of day again. Martha Stewart Omnimedia, AOL Time Warner, and Microsoft would fall victim to a hostile take-over by Harpo Productions and become the largest economy in the world.

3. Bush, Cheney, and Powell are assassinated and Rumsfeld becomes president. – Rumsfeld would claim that North Korea they has WMD and he and Wolfowitz orchestrate another military incursion. When it is later proven that they never had WMD, China would launch it’s nukes on North America wiping us off the face of the earth.

As you can see there are far worse things that could happen than the next four years with Bush as president. Therefore, sending Anthrax to the White House is probably not a good idea unless he tries to repeal Article XXII which would allow him to run for yet another term.

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

The 12 Steps

Sunday January 16 2005

My New Years resolution is to stop using profanity and its really f$%king with me. If it weren’t for the urgings of some of my $%ithead associates, I never would have given half a $%it about removing these colorful words full from my f$%king vocabulary. At first I was a little irritated that these sons of bi$%hes would have the nerve to confront me with this bulls$%t but after some serious soul searching, I figured what the f$%k, I’ll give it a try.

I reasoned that I must develop a strategy if I was to beat this f$%king profanity problem. So after some careful analysis I broke it down into a 12 step program, which I think is going to be pretty godd$%n successful. If it works, I will probably market the motherf$%cker and make a killing.

1. “I must admit that I am powerless over profanity and that it has made my life unmanageable.” - F$%king A right! This may be the most prf$%kingfound thing I have written this year.

2. “I must acknowledge that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity.” - This is a big no-s%$ter. I need some interff$%kingvention.

3. “I must decide to turn over my life to the higher power as I have come to understand it.” - Wow, this will be a piece of f$%king cake providing Step 2 doesn’t turn out to be bulls$%t.

4. “I must honestly inventory the effects that profanity has had on me and others around me.” - This one seems pretty f$%king obvious on the surface but if you are anything like me, as you start writing this s$%t down you will find your life is a clusterf$%k.

5. “Upon realization of Steps 2, 3 and 4, I must now accept the responsibility for my actions.” - This step is designed to make me feel better about having cussed all those stupid c$%ks$%kers that deserved it, and to feel sh$%ty about the poor ba$%ards that didn’t.

6. “I must allow a higher power to remove this defect in my character.” - Using profanity doesn’t necessarily make me a bad person, it just makes me sound like an a$$hole. Especially when I am berating that stupid pr$%k at Mc Donald’s who doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of NO F$%KING PICKLES! I put this step in for those ignorant f$%kers who really believe that using profanity is a character flaw.

7. “I must now ask the higher power to remove this flaw from my character.” - This one is for all the dips$%ts who are stuck at Step 6.

8. “Using the inventory from Step 4, I must now attempt to make amends to those I have harmed unless doing so would cause more harm.” - As if I really give a s$%t. Most of the f$%knuts from my Step 4 would be greatly harmed by hearing from me again. Pi$$ on the motherf$%kers.

9. “I must continue to take a personal inventory and live my life mindful of the principles I learn from doing so.” - This means now that you’ve got your s$%t straightened out, you should try to keep it that way. Pretty f$%king simple.

10.

11.

12.

I started out with the intent of creating a 12 step program but once I got to 9, I realized that 3 more steps would just a f$%king waste of my time and yours. If you need 12 steps, just go back and repeat any 3 of your choice, otherwise we are f#$king done here.

I haven’t finished the 12 steps yet an I am slowly learning to take life day by f$%king day. Some days I do really well and then other days I get stuck behind some a$$hole jerk off doing 25 mph on the freeway. I have at learned to refrain from yelling vulgarities out of the window but my use of “the bird” as a means of expressing my frustration has increased dramatically since I started the program.

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Stealing Elections

Sunday January 9 2005

Sooner or later the truth always comes out. The more we learn about the ballots in Ohio, the more it sounds like an Oliver Stone movie. Voters are demanding recounts and the inclusion of provisional ballots in all eighty eight Ohio counties. It is looking more and more like the Republicans have stolen another election.

They had spent four years preparing. Tampering with the voting machines, bribing election officials and practicing voter intimidation. In the days prior to the election, several counties in Ohio reported the appearance of a giant John Kerry Waffle Head, driving around proclaiming that democrats should “Vote on Wednesday”. These tactics are deplorable but apparently effective. 370,000 voters showed up at the polls on Wednesday November 3rd all 370,000 were Democrats. In several counties the ballots were printed in Chinese. When the poll workers were summoned to help confused, non Chinese voters, the ballots were filled out by the poll worker which resulted in an indeterminate number of votes for Bush. The Chinese voters chose Kerry 3 to 1.

Curly Tatum of Cayuga County Ohio tells the tale of a large man, in a black suit who visited his and several other families in his neighborhood dozens of times in the days leading up to November 2nd. “He was very mean to me and my wife Lilly” Curly explained obviously nervous about speaking to me. “He told us if we didn’t vote Bush, the Klan would burn down our houses. We was all scared, very scared so most of us didn’t vote. Thems that did vote was gonna vote Bush anyways.”

These stories are common place all over the country. If you look at the US Electoral Map by county, you can see the results in Red and Blue. Crafty Karl Rove’s calculator must have worked overtime computing what counties would need rigged voting machines; what counties would need strong arm tactics, and what counties would need a huge John Kerry Waffle Head spewing disinformation to unsuspecting voters.

Looking at election day 2004 is like peeling an onion, each layer reveals more and more onion. Eventually it makes you cry. There were threats of “baseball bat abortions” for pregnant voters who voted for Kerry; threats of black voters dragged behind pick-up trucks. Some Hispanic voters were pistol whipped in advance of election day to be sure they would get the message. This election was a travesty at best

With inauguration day fast approaching it is unlikely that the 2004 election can be undone but we can start working towards 2006 and 2008. With Howard Dean at the helm of the Democratic Party (providing he can avoid imploding before DNC votes next month) maybe there’s a chance.
Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Charity Schmarity

Sunday January 2 2005

I have never given a dime to charity. What’s the point of it? If you give a child a biscuit he will just return in a couple of days asking for another, and another. In about a week there will be ten kids begging for biscuits. It’s a cycle that never ends. Look at what’s happening in Sri Lanka for example. These people had their grass huts knocked over now they are complaining that the US isn’t giving them enough money to rebuild. How much does it cost to rebuild a grass hut anyway?

I’ve got some overgrowth in my backyard that would probably build a couple of huts. I called half a dozen or so Tsunami charities and offered to give it to them for free but they just laughed. Yet each one took my phone number and called back the next day asking for cash. I told them to go to hell.

For too long the US has rushed to the aid of countries who have been hit by tidal waves, earthquakes and landslides. Now they expect us to bail them out when ever they piss off Mother Nature. Where were the Indonesians when four hurricanes pummeled Florida last year? I don’t think they even called.

I decided that if I was going to give to a charity it would have be to the people of Florida. I called the Governors office and asked what I could do to help. The guy on the phone said that they could use building supplies and/or cash. I asked what they needed the cash for and he told me to cover the administrative costs of providing building supplies to victims. I told him I can't do any cash but I've got some overgrowth in my back yard that would probably build a couple of huts. He took down my phone number but never called me back.

I saw a guy standing on the side of the road holding a sign: Hungry Viet Nam Vet Will Work For Food . I reasoned that if I could take some building materials to Florida and give it to the victims myself not only would I be doing something charitable for the first time in my life but I would be saving the state of Florida administration costs and I would feed a homeless vet for a day. It was a win-win-win situation. Isn't that's the way charity should work? I pulled over and explained to the homeless vet that I had some overgrowth in my back yard and I would like to PAY him to cut it down. He just looked at me as if I was crazy and said “Can’t you just give me a couple of bucks?” I told him to go to hell.

It was then that I concluded no one really wants the charity, they just want the cash. One of the problems with giving people cash is that it gets wasted. For thirty-five cents per day you can feed a child in Ethiopia and keep three guys in Armani suits, driving BMW's. I decided that I might get more satisfaction by getting some charity instead.

I drove downtown and found where there were twenty or thirty people standing in a soup line. I assumed it must be meal time so I got in line too. I patiently waited as the line progressed. When I reached the end I was amazed. It was a better selection than Golden Coral. I filled my plate three times. When I had finished eating and was about to leave, a man in an expensive looking suit approached me. I guess that he recognized that I was not homeless by my attire. He calmly said “Sir that will be $7.95 for the buffet." I told him to go to hell. He actually had the nerve to call the police and have me arrested. Needless to say I am right back where I started. Charity Schmarity. It's all a racket. What gives a homeless man the right to eat free and not a hard working productive member of society such as myself? Where do we draw the line between who needs and who doesn’t? Between who pays and who doesn’t? I am not a stingy man but I’ll be damned if I’ll give anyone any of my money.

We, as a nation, need to break the cycle of dependency. If everyone in the United States would just stop giving to all charities, foreign and domestic, in just a few years the weak among us will die and the strong will rule the world. Isn’t that the way it should be?

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Why Santa Claus is Dead to Me

Sunday December 26 2004

I don’t celebrate Xmas. Not since I was nine years old anyway. I woke up that fateful morning to find my drunken grandfather had put on a Santa suit, and hanged himself from the banister with my little sisters jump rope. Santa has been dead to me since then. I used to go to a psychologist who told me that ignoring Xmas is un-healthy. I got tired of all the criticism. Now I go to a psychiatrist who tells me it's unhealthy to ignore Xmas; then writes me a prescription. I go to great lengths each year to avoid the inane “Xmasisms” that begin in late October:

Television
I don’t watch television from Halloween through the Chinese New Year. I hate being bombarded by advertisements for the perfect gift. I don’t have any friends and if I did I wouldn’t buy them a gift. What would be the point? I don’t like being given gifts either. If I decide I need a nose hair trimmer or a foot spa, I will go buy one for myself. As if the advertising wasn’t offensive enough, almost every TV show is decorated for Xmas. The shows that aren’t decorated put a little piece of holly or a snowman in the bottom right hand corner of the screen. Even the news is schlepping Xmas. Television is just impossible.

Radio
I don’t listen to the radio from Halloween through Chinese New Year either. It is equally unbearable. The stations which play all Xmas music all the time are easy enough to stay away from because they are always playing Xmas music. The ones that throw in an Xmas song every so often should be outlawed. There is no way to know if they are going to play one or not. This is disingenuous. About the time I let my guard down, here comes Holly Jolly Xmas, or Barbara Streisand's version of Jingle Bells. Excruciating! The same goes for the stations that don’t play any Xmas music all season but then on Xmas eve they play a marathon. It drives me insane!

Mail
I burn all of my mail from Thanksgiving through Martin Luther King Day. I pay my bills on-line so I am certain that any mail I get around this time of year is just more advertising for perfect gifts (there is no such thing by the way), 0% interest till April credit card offers and unwanted Xmas cards from unwanted friends. My real friends, if I had any, would know better.

Public Places
I try not to go outside of my house from Thanksgiving through St. Patrick’s Day, especially at night. Everywhere I look I see nativity scenes and illuminated plastic Santas. The houses on my street are so brightly lit that I have to close all of my curtains to get to sleep at night. What really hacks me off is that some of my lazy neighbors don’t take down their lights until the first weekend in March. Last year some kids built a snowman in my front yard. I shot at them with rock salt then had them arrested for trespassing.

To help me to avoid the Xmasisms in mid-October I stock up on enough supplies to get through New Years. That way I avoid the crowds. This year, I had an extremely rude houseguest who managed to use a hundred rolls of toilet paper and a case of Lysol during her 1-week stay. She also ate all of my Ramen Noodles and Vienna Sausages. For some unknown reason she took all of my Levitra pills and a few other unmentionables. Suffice it to say that I found myself in need of provisions by Xmas eve.

I ventured out to the Super Wal-Mart against my better judgment. The traffic was hell. I managed to find a parking place about a third of a mile from the store. As soon as I got out of my car, I slipped and fell on the ice. It felt like I had broken my tailbone but I managed to get up. I made it about half way to the store when I began to hear the annoying sound of a Salvation Army bell ringer. I turned and headed back toward my car. Charity is something I don’t handle well but that’s another story.

I drove around from store to store but there were bell ringers everywhere. Finally I found a Super Target. I had to park a third of a mile away again but at least the Salvation Army wasn’t around. It was pretty picked over but I was able to find everything that I needed (except the Levitra, the pharmacist said there had been a run on it and he would be out till after New Years). I saw a guy in a Santa hat. It made me think of Grandpa.










Copyright © 2004 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

O’Reilly vs. ACLU

Sunday December 19 2004

Bill O’Reilly is at it again. Around this time every year he launches an all out assault on the ACLU. It begins in the Talking Points segment where he outlines his beef with the ACLU. He expresses his outrage that they are out there doing what they do best, keeping God out of our schools, courtrooms, and government. He goes on about the Culture Wars and how the secular progressive left is destroying America. He continues his tirade in the Top Story segment where he will shoehorn in some reference to NAMBLA, The National Man-Boy Love Association before the commercial.

Next, is the Factor Follow-Up Segment where he picks some celebrity like Alec Baldwin, Ludicris or someone else he hates, and berates them for ten minutes, then goes to another commercial. Interestingly enough, he finds a way to mention one of his books in this segment. He has 3 or 4 books in print They remind me of the Matrix movies: The first one is great The rest of them are same shtick with cooler special effects. In O’Reilly’s case, the books have a different picture of him on the cover.

When he returns from the commercial, its on to the Unresolved Problems segment. Where he has some no-name lawyer appearing on behalf of the ACLU (they won’t send one of their lawyers to debate him so he picks one out of the phonebook). He shreds this guy for a couple of minutes telling him not to justify bad behavior with other bad behavior, then in the spirit of fairness, he gives the flabbergasted lawyer “the last word” but interrupts him before he can finish, and gives him another tongue lashing. Usually the lawyer guy is about to cry but they manage to cut to Donna Fiducia for a News Break before he turns on the water works.

The Impact and Personal Story segments are just more of the same. He is usually talking about pedophile priests, how stupid it was for John Kerry not to come into the No Spin Zone, or what a liar Stuart Smalley is (a.k.a. Al Franken but O’ Reilly never refers to him by his real name). In one or both of these segments he finds some clever way to mention another one of his books, and how he wrote it all by himself.

Next is the Back of the Book segment where he usually has another guest on. This time the guest is supposed to be talking about their new book. Bill claims to have read their book but in reality his staff has highlighted the talking points and given him a list of inane questions. He badgers the guest in an attempt to belittle them then gives them "the last word". True to form he interrupts them to inject his point of view again and if the guest tries to protest, he tells the engineer to "cut his mic". About twenty percent of the time he is able to mention his book again and insinuate that the guests book isn‘t as good.

Finally, the Most Ridiculous Item of the Day. This has to be my favorite segment (because it’s really close to the end). Bill often takes one for the team here (if you consider Bill and his huge ego a team). Then its time for viewer mail but not before mentioning Factor Gear which includes coffee mugs, hats, t-shirts and doormats. Bill used to brag how all the profits from the Factor Gear go to charity but since he was nearly sued for sexual harassment earlier this year (he settled out of court for 6 million dollars) he’s probably not doing that anymore.

Should you miss The O’Reilly Factor on Fox News, don’t worry you can catch the Radio Factor the next day. He repeats all of the ACLU hate speech from the previous night’s TV show but for two full hours. Plus he has a bunch of crazy right wing talk radio listeners who call in their hate speech about the ACLU too. Is it any wonder that the they won’t send a lawyer to debate him?

Copyright © 2004 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Bye Bye WiFi?

Sunday December 12 2004

I woke up at 2:15am to the sound of a car pulling out of my driveway. I immediately ran to my PC and sure enough, they were at it again. “Damn hackers!” I have changed my WiFi password seventeen times in the past month. I have used every mother’s maiden name on my family tree. I even resulted to using the names of pets long since dead. I am nearly out of ideas.Is this just a fad or the wave of the future? It’s called Wardriving. Three or four hacker geeks pile into a car, with laptops, or PDA’s with wireless cards. They drive around the town looking for “hotspots” or areas of WiFi connectivity. When one is located the race ensues. He who hacks first hacks best. The prize? No trophies for this sport I suspect but my secret collection of porn has been compromised no less than a dozen times and my Microsoft Money accounts have been cleaned out twice. The last incursion left me with a nasty case of PCVD, which I had to upgrade my Anti-Virus software to remove.

Having your home network hacked is not only costly and annoying, it is also embarrassing and leaves you feeling violated. The invaders now know your surfing habits, have all of your email addresses and have more than likely passed your personal information around like sloppy seconds at a frat party. Just thinking about it leaves me feeling dirty. Formatting the hard drive afterward helps, but you never really forget. I called the police the first seven or eight times. They obligingly drove out to my house and filed a report with their Cyber Crimes Division but I feel little satisfaction from their efforts. They always seem more interested in staking out chat rooms to entrap sexual predators than dealing with pesky wardrivers. They tend to make me feel as though I instigated it somehow, like I had it coming.

I looked on-line for a support group where I could talk with other victims but there are many who are afraid to come forward. The humiliation of a wireless network invasion is debilitating to say the least. A few people who have had their network hacked just don’t go on line anymore. Some users turn off their high-speed connections and sign up for Earthlink, a dial-up connection that is pretty much worthless for anything more than email. Others sell their PC’s, on eBay and give up computing entirely. My livelihood depends on the Internet therefore I must deal with these feelings of ineptitude. I must reclaim my dignity and self-confidence.

One victim I talked to suggested that downgrading to a wired router would offer a renewed sense of security but Wireless is like a drug. Once you have become accustomed to the mobility of WiFi on a high-speed Internet connection, going back on the wire is very difficult. For example, I was playing Texas Hold ‘Em on line just yesterday when the need to evacuate my bowels came on with a vengeance. If I had been on a wired network, I would have had to log out of the game for 20 minutes, then log back in. On WiFi, I just picked up my laptop and headed for the crapper. I even won 26 dollars!

The thought of losing wireless connectivity in my home is depressing. I have so few tools to protect myself yet the threats are so many. I hope in the near future that someone invents a security measure that will at least notify me when my firewall has been breached. A warning beacon that prompts me to shut the power when I am being attacked. Currently, It’s like being chloroformed and raped in my sleep and I'm not even aware it's happened till the morning.

Copyright © 2004 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Parenthood

Sunday December 5 2004

I remember when I was 13 years old. My dad gathered up my sister and I one Sunday afternoon and took us down to the County Animal Shelter. I had recently become the oldest sibling having lost my brother Rufus in Viet Nam the previous week. My dad bestowed on me the responsibility of choosing a puppy to come home with us. My 9-year-old sister, Daphne, picked out a brown Chihuahua. He was only about 4 inches tall. I was more partial to the bigger dogs but the little puppy made Daphne so happy that I chose him. We named him Mr. Biggles. My dad explained that the people at the shelter would be putting these puppies to sleep because no one wanted them so we were very proud to have saved this little dog’s life.

We stopped at the feed and seed store and purchased all the accoutrements associated with a new puppy; food, chew toys, a leash etc… then we took the puppy home. We played and played with the puppy. I made sure to take him out side as often as possible because my mom didn’t like him going to the bathroom in the house. I became quite attached to Mr. Biggles even though I had really wanted a bigger dog.

One day about two months after we had gotten the dog, my dad called my sister and I into the house. He was holding Mr. Biggles; scratching him on his head as he paced back and forth. He began speaking. I could tell by the tone of his first few words that something bad was coming. I could just tell. “Kids, sometimes God does things that we don’t understand.” I wondered where my mother was as he continued. “In our lives we will be given things. We will also have things taken away.” I thought I heard her crying in the distance somewhere. “You are going to remember what is about to happen for the rest of your lives. You may even hate me for a while but when you are older you will thank me for teaching you this lesson”

I was trying to think to my self, had Mr. Biggles chewed up something important? Did we wet on the floor? I heard my mothers sobbing becoming clearer and clearer as my dad started walking toward me. I could not figure out what was going on but I knew it couldn’t be good. He handed Mr. Biggles to me and reached in to his pocket and pulled out a 2 ft long piece of rope. The dog sat in my lap staring at me with his little brown marble eyes; tongue wagging in and out. My dad handed me the rope as he began speaking again.

“Son, your brother Rufus went to Viet Nam to save people from the communists. Just like you and your sister saved Mr. Biggles form the people at the Animal Shelter." He paused for a moment then continued. "There is always a price to be paid for war, a very high price. In order for you to understand how the world works you must learn to make choices and be willing to live with the consequences” He pulled a pistol out of his back pocket and slowly loaded it with bullets from his shirt pocket. He called for my mother to join us.

My mother appeared from the kitchen with one of those wind-up kitchen timers, which she handed to my dad. He turned the dial as she sat down on the sofa. She buried her head in her hands an sobbed loudly. My dad walked over to her, kissed her gently on the back of her head, then turned to face me and Daphne. “Quaid,” he said “I’m going to set this timer for 2 minutes. Then I‘m going to put this gun in my mouth. When the 2 minutes is over if that dog isn’t dead, I am going to pull the trigger. Do you understand?” he asked as he was turning the dial on the timer. Click… clickkkkkkkkkk… Click…“Yes Daddy” I replied as I began balling like a little girl. “ No Daddy! No!” I heard Daphne sob.

Tick… tick… tick… tick… tick… tick…the timer tocked away each second. My mom had to restrain little Daphne who was desperate for my fathers embrace “Daddy Daddy Daddy!” she cried…I was frozen in time. How he could leave a decision of such dire consequence in the hands of a child…Tick… tick… tick… Surely, he knew I couldn’t kill a puppy, even if it meant he would die… Tick… tick…tick… Maybe he knew that I would kill the puppy only because his life depended on it…
Tick… tick… tick… tick… tick… How much time had passed I wondered as I hesitantly looped the rope around the puppies neck, 30 seconds, 40? He was beginning to squirm in my lap and I found it increasingly difficult to hold him still as I took the slack out of the rope… Is there still enough time?Tick… tick… tick… tick… He was a tall man with rough skin. For a split second or two I watched him. He stood like a stone statue. He had always projected an air of power and security. I admired him. He was a self-made man who had taught himself to read and write. He was the smartest, and bravest man I ever knew… I watched a bead of sweat trickle down his brow as he stood there eyes closed; gun in mouth.

Tick… tick… tick… Somewhere in my mind I was still trying to formulate a solution that would save the lives of the dog and my father but that distraction kept me form the task at hand…I will never forgive him for this…

Tick… tick… My mother came over to help me hold the struggling puppy but she was still holding back my hysterical sister. Her efforts to help me were futile. Mr. Biggles claws dug through my pants leg and pierced my skin… I pulled the ends of the rope with all of my might…

Tick…

KAPOW!!

Copyright © 2004 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

The State of Marriage

Sunday November 28 2004

This ultra-conservative US Supreme Court took a surprising position on the same sex marriage issue this week. They declined to hear the case without comment. This is unexpected news form the court that has been pushing the President's fascist agenda for the past 4 years. I suspect that the majority of the court was in the pocket of the Bush dynasty since the unprecedented ruling that placed him in power following the 2000 election. Apparently the court’s debt to him is finally paid in full. Thankfully, they will no longer be doing his dirty work.

The Constitution gives the right to define marriage to the states. Shouldn’t it be the right of the individual? What harm is done if I marry a tree or a dog? Or two dogs? If Bill O’Reilly were to marry the MacGwire twins would society really suffer all that much?

If John Kerry had been elected, he might have appointed Bill Clinton to the court and promoted Ruth Bader Ginsburg to Chief Justice That, my friends, would be a Supreme Court we could be proud of. Those appointments might have even balanced out the court enough to give it credibility again. Kerry might also have ordered the CIA to assassinate Clarence Thomas and then appointed Julian Bond or Louis Farakahn in his place. He might also have proposed a constitutional amendment that defined marriage as a choice of the people. After all, a person chooses who they have sex with. What is so different about marriage? Better yet, he might have eliminated marriage altogether. This approach would have, if nothing else, taken the marriage penalty tax issue off the table.

Many people believe that Chief Justice William Rehnquist is not much longer for this world. Appointed by Nixon, promoted to Chief Justice by Reagan, it is no wonder that this man has single handedly kept the United States in the Stone Age. President Bush will most likely replace him upon his death or retirement (or forced retirement due to senility) by Antonin Scalia, another Reagan appointee, or worse yet Clarence Thomas who is little more than the Republican’s houseboy on the court. That would be a nightmare.

Perhaps we should be looking forward to what a President Hillary Rodham-Clinton Supreme Court might look like. Hillary is not above having troublemakers eliminated. She could easily cause two or three justices disappear, and replace them with appointments from the 9th Circuit Court. Maybe she could propose a constitutional amendment that legalizes drug use for gay married pro-lifer's who are against the war. Or maybe she would legalize abortions for illegal immigrants who manufacture methamphetamine for the purpose of assisted suicide.

We can only hope.

Copyright © 2004 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Thanks for Nothing

Sunday November 21 2004

Thanksgiving isn’t until later this week, and I have had enough already. When did the antidisestablishmentarians gain control of this country? The last time I looked, the Constitution forbade the union of government and religion yet once again the post office will be closed on this so-called “Thanksgiving” Day.

Thanks for what I ask? For letting me pay taxes to my government to finance the overthrow of a sovereign nation with whom I have no beef? For making me pay four or five times what the rest of the world does for health care? For the skyrocketing price of oil? I don’t think so. I am not thankful for these things one bit.

I will tell you what I am thankful for. I am thankful for Oman and Syria where an eye for an eye is still the rule of law. Where the death penalty is swiftly delivered. No judges no juries no trials or appeals and no lawyers just the perpetrators, the victims and the vengeance. I am thankful that I can import cheap drugs from Canada. I thankful that I can drive down to the corner and hire a couple of immigrant workers to mow my lawn for $3.00. I am thankful for North Korea who keeps our belligerent imperialist government at arms length. They are the world police not the US. If it weren’t for the brave people of North Korea the United States would have taken over Asia decades ago right after we nuked Japan.

Putting politics aside for a moment, who’s stupid idea was it to serve Turkey on Thanksgiving? Turkey is a terrible idea. When I want to celebrate something I open a can of dolphin safe tuna and drink an O’Doul’s. I think the world would be a happier place if we ate fewer animals.

One final point I would like to make on this subject. If Thanksgiving means so much to so many that they close the banks, why don’t they celebrate it in France or Canada, or anywhere but here? Because it was made up by the capitalists who brought you Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Presidents Day, Valentine’s Day, Grandparents day and the 4th of July. A vast right wing conspiracy to separate you and I from our money and time.

Don’t let them get away with it. This year join me in boycotting these made up celebrations. Donate your time and money to Greenpeace or Elf or something worthy. And be thankful for the chance to give.

Copyright © 2004 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

Fallujah and a President Kerry

Sunday November 14 2004

It would seem that the US Military is on the move yet again. This time we can expect to witness the slaughter of the innocent citizens of Fallujah. Slowly, over the past few months, U.S. Stormtroopers have been surrounding the city. Anxiously anticipating the electoral victory at home, they waited. Patiently and with an iron discipline they prepared. Then on the eve of the massacre Bush ordered leaflets be dropped on the city. A warning to the English speaking citizens to get out of town. Mere days after Karl Rove delivered the presidency as promised, the order was given. In true hitlarian, fashion the Army of the Fourth Reich began marching into the sacred city of Fallujah.

Before this siege is over we can expect to see upward of 50,000 civilians killed. Not insurgents or terrorists as the Bushies would have you believe but innocent women and children; shopkeepers, cobblers, masons and the like. Soon after the conquest, US Torture camps will begin to appear where prisoners will be abused sexually humiliated and photographed just as they were in Abu Gharab. This time, however, we may never see the full extent of this carnage as Rumsfeld will certainly be very careful to keep his Gestapo out of the limelight.

All of this destruction under the guise of protecting America, these heinous acts of genocide will only put America in more danger. We should be prepared for repercussions on a grand scale. It is a foregone conclusion that if there are WMD in Iraq, they will be swiftly used by the desperate Iraqis (those who survive the blitzkrieg anyway) in a justified retaliation against America and Americans all around the world (except in France and Canada).If all of this isn’t bad enough, the price of oil will continue to rise until the already depressed US economy reaches the breaking point. The convenience store industry will be the first to collapse subsequently bringing down construction trades and pizza delivery. Soon after all our immigrant workers will abandon their jobs and return home. Eventually an ambulance ride, which currently costs about $1250, will skyrocket to hundreds of thousands of dollars resulting in the complete collapse of the health care industry. By summer of 2005 we could be seeing unemployment numbers as high as 80% and inflation at 125%.

If John Kerry had been elected the Fallujah offensive would have been scrapped. The overzealous command structure in Iraq would have been dismantled in favor of a more sensitive UN led coalition. Summer of 2005 would have seen a complete internationalization of the Iraq problem and the UN’s Oil for Food program would be sending relief to Fallujah not smart bombs. Kerry would have taken more peace to the Middle East not more war. We would be bringing our troops home not sending them into harms way. By the end of 2005 we would have been eating French fries and French toast again, and kissing without having to hold our tongues back.

As if that weren't enough, Kerry would have reached out to Yassir Arafat and forged an alliance with the Palestinians not alienated him as Bush has done. Clearly making friends with the Arabs would be more productive that killing them. America needs to extend the olive branch toward the Middle East not shoot arrows. Arafat is dead now. Do the hopes for a peaceful Palestinian state co-existing with Israel die with him? Unfortunately, I am convinced that the damage our military has done in Iraq coupled with dubya's reckless foreign policy, have damned us to be wiped from the face of this earth.

Copyright © 2004 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.

One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State

Sunday November 7 2004

If you are like me, you have been a little depressed since the elections earlier this week. Not only did same sex marriage get voted down in 11 states but your fellow citizens, and mine, elected at least one right-wing religious zealot to our state governments and bought us four more years of the cowboy diplomacy that has made enemies of our friends around the world. For three days and four nights I stayed in bed flipping endlessly through the cable news channels; hoping against hope that good news would ultimately come out of Ohio.

The disenfranchisement of millions of black voters in Ohio has not yet been deemed newsworthy by the mainstream media. Should anyone be surprised? For months upon months leading up to the election the mainstream media pounded on John Kerry; painting him in a portrait of cowardice and as a waffling “flip-flopper”, unfit to be President. The Bushies clearly had the press wrapped up into a nice neat package; designed to sell the American public a draft dodging, incompetent as the savior of the free world.

The Republican’s brilliant manufacturing of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth did considerable damage to John Kerry's campaign. Were it not for the press’ relentless coverage, the American voters would not have become confused about Kerry's abilities to lead. Curiously, there was virtually no mention of Bush’s less than admirable service record or the missing stockpiles of weapons in Iraq or his miserable failure on foreign and domestic policies until the last few days before the election. Dan Rather, had more than two years to investigate the documents which would have proved that Bush was a slacker, but could not summon the courage to act until much too late in the race.

I am sure that in the coming days there will be much talk of red states and blue states. The pundits will all analyze what went right and what went wrong but clearly the re-election of George W. Bush was a product of the Republican biased media orchestrated and manipulated by none other than Karl Rove.

The question that remains is what are we to do now? Certainly there will be numerous conservative appointments to the bench. Isn’t the Supreme Court conservative enough? Justices who believe that the “culture of life” outweighs a woman’s right to choose and who believe that marriage is an institution reserved for heterosexuals. How are we to combat the inevitable onslaught of radical Christian fundamentals?

Many people have talked about leaving the country and finding a place where freethinking people are welcomed not ostracized. There are many such progressive countries that are waiting with open arms. I can only hope to make it out before the Republicans seal the borders; step one in their evil police state agenda. They have already begun to cracking down on the poor migrant workers who cross back and forth between Mexico and the US just to find work that they might feed their families.

In the tradition of Alec Baldwin and many others I have decided to move to Canada. It is of no consequence to me to forfeit a fourth my income to live in a country where diversity is accepted; even celebrated. Half my income is a reasonable fee for living in a country where I can marry another man or buy a bag of weed should I choose. Three quarters of my income is a small price to pay for free health care and cheap prescription drugs. And should I decide to raise a family, I will never have to worry about a war mongering Prime Minister sending my children to die for foreign oil. Perhaps the best thing Canada has to offer is the fact that all of her states are blue.

Copyright © 2004 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.