The 12 Steps

Sunday January 16 2005

My New Years resolution is to stop using profanity and its really f$%king with me. If it weren’t for the urgings of some of my $%ithead associates, I never would have given half a $%it about removing these colorful words full from my f$%king vocabulary. At first I was a little irritated that these sons of bi$%hes would have the nerve to confront me with this bulls$%t but after some serious soul searching, I figured what the f$%k, I’ll give it a try.

I reasoned that I must develop a strategy if I was to beat this f$%king profanity problem. So after some careful analysis I broke it down into a 12 step program, which I think is going to be pretty godd$%n successful. If it works, I will probably market the motherf$%cker and make a killing.

1. “I must admit that I am powerless over profanity and that it has made my life unmanageable.” - F$%king A right! This may be the most prf$%kingfound thing I have written this year.

2. “I must acknowledge that a power greater than myself can restore my sanity.” - This is a big no-s%$ter. I need some interff$%kingvention.

3. “I must decide to turn over my life to the higher power as I have come to understand it.” - Wow, this will be a piece of f$%king cake providing Step 2 doesn’t turn out to be bulls$%t.

4. “I must honestly inventory the effects that profanity has had on me and others around me.” - This one seems pretty f$%king obvious on the surface but if you are anything like me, as you start writing this s$%t down you will find your life is a clusterf$%k.

5. “Upon realization of Steps 2, 3 and 4, I must now accept the responsibility for my actions.” - This step is designed to make me feel better about having cussed all those stupid c$%ks$%kers that deserved it, and to feel sh$%ty about the poor ba$%ards that didn’t.

6. “I must allow a higher power to remove this defect in my character.” - Using profanity doesn’t necessarily make me a bad person, it just makes me sound like an a$$hole. Especially when I am berating that stupid pr$%k at Mc Donald’s who doesn’t seem to understand the meaning of NO F$%KING PICKLES! I put this step in for those ignorant f$%kers who really believe that using profanity is a character flaw.

7. “I must now ask the higher power to remove this flaw from my character.” - This one is for all the dips$%ts who are stuck at Step 6.

8. “Using the inventory from Step 4, I must now attempt to make amends to those I have harmed unless doing so would cause more harm.” - As if I really give a s$%t. Most of the f$%knuts from my Step 4 would be greatly harmed by hearing from me again. Pi$$ on the motherf$%kers.

9. “I must continue to take a personal inventory and live my life mindful of the principles I learn from doing so.” - This means now that you’ve got your s$%t straightened out, you should try to keep it that way. Pretty f$%king simple.

10.

11.

12.

I started out with the intent of creating a 12 step program but once I got to 9, I realized that 3 more steps would just a f$%king waste of my time and yours. If you need 12 steps, just go back and repeat any 3 of your choice, otherwise we are f#$king done here.

I haven’t finished the 12 steps yet an I am slowly learning to take life day by f$%king day. Some days I do really well and then other days I get stuck behind some a$$hole jerk off doing 25 mph on the freeway. I have at learned to refrain from yelling vulgarities out of the window but my use of “the bird” as a means of expressing my frustration has increased dramatically since I started the program.

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.