The Patriot Act

Sunday December 25 2005

Do you ever feel like you are being followed?

I often do.

This past spring I began to sense that I was under surveillance. I kept seeing non descript men wearing black suits driving un-adorned black Fords. At the grocery, the laundry, and seemingly everywhere I went. It started immediately after the publication of my February 27th article entitled Reparations, and continued until March 10th when I was abducted in the middle of the night from my home at gunpoint. I was blindfolded and taken to an airport where I was bound and gagged, thrown into the cargo hold of an airplane, and flown to what I believe to be Camp Delta at Guantanamo Bay Cuba.

Over the past several months, I have been a tortured prisoner of the United States government. I was interrogated daily sometimes for as long as 18 or 20 hours. Interrogations were typically followed by what seemed like days in stress positions and beatings. I was exposed to extreme heat and cold and forced to sleep naked in a puddle of my own urine and feces for weeks on end.

I was fed only kosher foods (on the days that I was fed) and was given only 1 pint of water per week. There was a sadistic lesbian guard who would enter my cell in the middle of the night and forcibly (and repeatedly) sodomize me using a strap-on dildo made of wood (at least it felt like wood, I can’t be sure because she would put a bag over my head) Sometimes she would take me out of my cell down into the catacombs where she would photograph me and other detainees in what I now refer to as “gunpoint circle jerks”.

As if I were not humiliated enough, she flushed my personally autographed copy of Bill Clinton’s autobiography My Life, down the toilet in my cell.

Friends, this is the patriot act at work. These jackbooted brown shirts will not relent until every freedom guaranteed under the constitution has been eradicated.

At any rate I feel the need to thank some of my friends in congress and in the media for applying enough pressure to the Rumsfeld administration to effect my release. Thank you Senators Kennedy, Boxer, Kerry, and McCain; also let me thank Joe Wilson and the New York Times. Were it not for true American patriots such as yourselves, men like me with the fortitude to speak out against the tyranny and oppression would be locked into 3x2x5 foot cells somewhere in Iceland where we would wither away and die.

Be warned evil conservatives… Quaid Davis is back!

Copyright © 2005 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.