Thanks for Nothing

Sunday November 21 2004

Thanksgiving isn’t until later this week, and I have had enough already. When did the antidisestablishmentarians gain control of this country? The last time I looked, the Constitution forbade the union of government and religion yet once again the post office will be closed on this so-called “Thanksgiving” Day.

Thanks for what I ask? For letting me pay taxes to my government to finance the overthrow of a sovereign nation with whom I have no beef? For making me pay four or five times what the rest of the world does for health care? For the skyrocketing price of oil? I don’t think so. I am not thankful for these things one bit.

I will tell you what I am thankful for. I am thankful for Oman and Syria where an eye for an eye is still the rule of law. Where the death penalty is swiftly delivered. No judges no juries no trials or appeals and no lawyers just the perpetrators, the victims and the vengeance. I am thankful that I can import cheap drugs from Canada. I thankful that I can drive down to the corner and hire a couple of immigrant workers to mow my lawn for $3.00. I am thankful for North Korea who keeps our belligerent imperialist government at arms length. They are the world police not the US. If it weren’t for the brave people of North Korea the United States would have taken over Asia decades ago right after we nuked Japan.

Putting politics aside for a moment, who’s stupid idea was it to serve Turkey on Thanksgiving? Turkey is a terrible idea. When I want to celebrate something I open a can of dolphin safe tuna and drink an O’Doul’s. I think the world would be a happier place if we ate fewer animals.

One final point I would like to make on this subject. If Thanksgiving means so much to so many that they close the banks, why don’t they celebrate it in France or Canada, or anywhere but here? Because it was made up by the capitalists who brought you Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Presidents Day, Valentine’s Day, Grandparents day and the 4th of July. A vast right wing conspiracy to separate you and I from our money and time.

Don’t let them get away with it. This year join me in boycotting these made up celebrations. Donate your time and money to Greenpeace or Elf or something worthy. And be thankful for the chance to give.

Copyright © 2004 Quaid Davis. All rights reserved.